Love

Watching Style Like You is incredibly refreshing. I wouldn’t say it’s revelatory, because I know these people exist. Even ostensibly mundane people are interesting, you just have to take a closer look. Really, everything is about perception, how free you are to view the world greatly influences your own life. If you’re willing to, the world will open its windows for you. Like Plato’s Cave, many people find the truth too strange. This causes discomfort, and ultimately prejudice. If you accept it though (the world the way it is with its infinite minds and viewpoints) you can transform your own. The problem I’m facing though is how do I subsequently transform this overflow and abundance of inspiration and creativity to something constructive that I can use in my own life. Applicability is what I’m struggling with. It seems like the more I look through these videos, the more I see the differences in people. They all possess that spark of creativity, but age seems to be a large factor in their persona. How so? Well the older they are, the more wise, conclusive, and decisive their nature is. Younger people seem to still be laden with the stereotypes of teenage life and adolescence. The things I’ve heard about adolescence shows it in a bad light. A time of trials and tribulations, trying to find yourself, and for me; establish individuality among the insipid crowds of faceless students. Back to age, what I see in adults, I don’t see in teenagers. A voice of wisdom, dignified and already established. They are not like me, but I strive to be like them. I want to be called a precocious teenager, but unlike my body, my mind has not developed so quickly. I feel left behind and trampled in the ceaseless face of knowledge. Knowledge is a paradox. It shines in my life like a wellspring of liquid satisfaction, but I can never quench my thirst with its waters. My curiosity should be to blame, knowledge itself is infallible, it exists for all minds, not to be labeled sinful by someone who doesn’t comprehend it. Knowledge! Yes I was on a tangent. A paradox. It shines, but also consumes. Like a deep chasm, an abyss endless in depth, it sucks my hopes and chokes it. I wonder around in the dark pit until I realize that THERE IS NO END. By then I have already been falling too long to draw back and I am swallowed in the blackness. Looking into the faces of these adults though, gives me renewed hope. They seem to have already found their grips on the chasm’s walls, and are steadily creeping their way back up, into the light. I can only imagine the most erudite people are somewhere near the top. Some people have already given up and let themselves be hit by a tumbling rock or outstretched branch, oblivious to their own deaths. Simply writing this sucks my innards into a black hole, I hope I’m not hopeless. 

What’s so sad about that previous paragraph is that it wasn’t perfect, it needed revisions. But wait no. That’s not what I meant to type, nothing is perfect, besides knowledge as previously iterated. What I meant to say was that, my writing is nonvocal, it doesn’t require me to use my tongue, or vocal chords. Everything is done silently. This process allows me to convey my thoughts more precisely, I’m just happy my fingers can move fast enough to make this sound comprehensible. My point is, having to bring this from my mind to written words is much easier and smoother than bringing my thoughts right intoverbal words. I just fear confrontation. Typing this up is more of a personal aside, but exclaiming such things out loud is a venture too terrible to imagine. I would only do so in familiar company, or under the influence of drugs/pain. The corporeal world acts as a filter into which my mental mind is brought through, and in the process, ravaged. This is the same principle in which ordinary people are exposed as extraordinary. No one knows what’s going on in one another’s mind, we can only hope to connect to people in a personal way. The key to that? Vulnerability. Doing so is the quintessential element to relationships. Succeeding this is communication. How to do it well though? I hold people with eloquent dialogue in high-esteem. See? The ideas come full-circle. What do you need to be an eloquent speaker? Knowledge! I am essentially expounding on my idea of a perfect role model. Now I didn’t want to use that word again because “no one’s perfect”, but there it is. A great role model! A paradigm like that present in my daily life would be instrumental in my quest for self-knowledge. All greatness spurred from imitation, but for now I’ll rely on Style Like You for my inspiration.

revelation

4:22 p.m., 12/17/12

So, recently I’ve finally uncovered the secret behind my unholy need to go against things that I should probably just stick with. To be straight-forward, it actually wasn’t a secret, I was just a bit bewildered by myself, I didn’t like it. There is a scale, or a balance in myself. A psychological one that is of course abstract, but if put into a more physical representation, I think it would be easier to explain. One side of the balance is tipped and weighted down by the various outside intrusions and influences on my inner self, which acts as a catalyst for my brain or whatever that controls me to develop a I guess solution to this problem. The outside influence isn’t always a problem, but my mind still reacts to it. After finding the correct antidote, it proceeds to inject the vaccine into myself, changing, replacing, destroying whatever needs to be. The final result is I’m healed, my body finds balance. Homeostasis I guess. But as most people know, my core self embodies selfishness, so it doesn’t care what the balance and satisfaction of itself does to the outside world and appearance of me, Daniel. So even though I feel fine inside, the reactant towards the influence is off, not something normal, very odd. Complicate, complicate, complicate. <—Something like that is the default cross-effect product if something goes wary on the trip to the outside world. So now the scale is balanced with my weird weight on one side and the outside influence on the other. After this is done, or maybe simultaneously, the mind switches to the other end of the spectrum of whatever a normal me, a normal person would adapt to. This could be critically fatal if truly expressed to an outside society, but with my limiters, I can dilute my thoughts down so its more acceptable for things to flow and enter the polluted atmosphere. An example would prove prudent I think, since my text is too abstract and grammatically wrong for myself to read later if I were to. Say I am, or you are, at church! -shudder-a truly suffocating place. Imagine the atmosphere and vibe of that place….conservative, “holy”, restricted..where would a normal person’s mind go? Well of course I don’t think a normal person would just simply go to all the negative aspects of the place instantly, so it kinda ends there with the person adapting and simply being nice, “christian-y”, stuff. (To stop this before it becomes too prejudice, I’d like to say that I don’t agree with grouping such huge denominations into one general idea. What exactly does “normal people” apply to? I don’t know, but it is just for the sake of this extended example, so I apologize for my close-mindedness.) For me, in the presence of all this my mind wanders to things that would make the people around me cringe, I think of gore, blood, deep cuts into thin arms that yield fountains of a vampires satisfaction. I think of incisions into a person’s back, exposing bone and flesh that pulse with blood vessels, screaming to explode, and I smile while doing these things, a sickening smile, but I’m having fun reveling in the nasty things of this world while everyone celebrates an amazing god….Example done!! Haha that was extremely long, but I hope this serves as a good explanation for whatever I need this for.

4:45 p.m., 12/17/12

thoughts recently

11:47 p.m., 12/13/12

I guess this’ll be my digital diary from now on. Typing is much faster, although it has an artificial rust to it, I think it will be practical. So..i just wanted to talk about you know, small things. Being alone, and silent, I think that’s what suits me best. In terms of what that means to everyone else, I don’t know. But to myself, I like it. Its really tranquil in my own world, although not all the time. I feel best when I’m alone, or maybe with a friend or two. I’m also human so loneliness does affect me. Its just that I don’t have a particular want to talk to people in general. They’re all adapters, and I’m one too. It takes longer for me to shift though, which is fine, I like it. It makes me different knowing that I can view things in a certain perspective. Talking also has many planes. I talk and they respond, a thousand things comes with this as well. Emotions reacting from tone, expression, mood, influence, environmental, well-being, and culminating into a sentence or two, either messily wrapped or carefully packaged. The receiver has many things to do, they can take it gratefully, give one back, tear it open, or throw it away. All these things and more travel through my mind when I’m communicating with someone and I can hardly keep up with it, its..its annoying. Now, these things can be called laws, and therefore they are rules, shackles that limit my mind. I usually ignore it, sometimes enjoy it, but as of now (and of course other times) I abhor it. I feel like its so restrictive, and so limited, this verbal communication. Troublesome, worrisome, stressful, tiring, the list goes on. I’m just sick of talking. But of course when i say “talking”, a lot of the hatred is aimed towards other people. I myself don’t talk much. I think i spoke less than 50 words today. But other people who burn hundreds and hundreds of sentences, spewing worthless things that reek with prejudice, are my worst annoyance. I’m not a dramatic person, I am liberal, and maybe a bit too care-free. So I guess its normal for serious, conservative, loud people to annoy me. Life is life and ice is cold, you shouldn’t talk about negatives things cause you’ll bring bad things to your life. Also, maybe I shouldn’t sleep so late. Time is weighing my entire life down, and I’m almost certain I’m going to collapse tomorrow. It’s fine though because life is a river and everything is fine. I hope this hasn’t been a waste, but for now. Bye.

12:10 a.m., 12/14/12